| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2004|06:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink - Love Song | ] |
The sun's shining, the birds are coming back, the grass is turning a disgusting color of puke-green - and here I am sitting in my FUCKING basement, crying. Why, do you ask? (fuck you if you don't ask, here's the answer) Because of a total of about 8 puffs of a cigarette. 8 isn't even a whole one. I'm not dying, I'm not coughing up a lung when I do it... well I am now but that's because I'm sick.
So I'm hacking my brains out, trying to talk to ashley which I don't do often enough and talking to scott at the same time. Of course he gets upset because of this, so he turns off my webcam. Oh no, he won't get to see my ugly face. But whatever, he turns it off and I know he's sad about it, but I'm still speaking to ashley, trying to work out the exchange program.
Well ashley had to go shortly after, so I'm left with scott and we haven't spoken in a while... and I'm not a fan of these awkward pauses.. that seem to be happening alot lately.
I try to convince him to talk to me about what's wrong but he's refusing to talk about it. Finally, after a few minutes I get it out of him. He's upset because he wants time to go faster and wants to be my first fuck. Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, Well, it complicates things a little. Since, well, exchange or not I'm fucking around with Ashley.
Apparently we don'T like to think about this. He likes it just as much as I like talking about L. Which isn't much. Hell, I avoid that subject at all costs. And when it's too late and I don't want him to see me cry I either turn off my webcam or just leave.
Eventually he's like, fuck it, so we stop talking about it.
Then guess what starts up.
Oh you bet, SMOKING LECTURE TIME.
APPARENTLY, I can't do it because he loves me. Which kind of defies my reason for it. But I just think he's looking for a reason to leave me.
i just keep re-reading what he said. why is it i cry in anger when someone says they love me? why is it always me that fucks things up? i dont go looking for all of this trouble. finds me i guess. sometimes it just feels like im going insane. the single tear running down my cheek, the awful burning feeling... makes me wanna yell and pull out my hair, kick and punch my way out of it. id do what i did when i was younger and play with knives when i'm angry or sad, but i'm not just some angsty 14 year old.
wait..
yeah i am. |
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| Read it and see |
[Apr. 5th, 2004|05:01 pm] |
I don't wanna hear about it... why can't he stop? I love him so much and I don't want to hear about his girlfriend, is that so hard to understand?
...
He'll never ever again forget that I'm 14.
I wanted it to stay the way it was, when I was his equal. I wanted it to stay... I wanted him to love me.
It almost feels like it's the beginning of the end. Oh Lord I don't want it to end. I manage to fuck something up every time. It's my talent. Not even 100 days that we've known each other... how can two people grow so close?
I can't exactly say it's meant to be.
I mean come on, I'm 14.
Just a number |
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| Oops! |
[Mar. 15th, 2004|09:09 pm] |
Holy fuck, it's certainly been awhile since I last wrote. Suppose I should do this more often... not like I have anything better to do.
Woah, for a second there, it felt like I wasn't wearing underwear. Did you know that limies call underwear "pants"? It gets a little odd when I say I'm not wearing any pants, just a skirt.
In gym class today, I got a soccer ball to the crotch. Now, guys always complain when it hurts, but IT HURTS GIRLS TOO! I have a huge, unsightly bruise, and it ain't pretty.
I lost a little thing on my earring, and I don't know where to look for it. The floor would be a good place to start I guess. But then, I'd have to get up, turn on the light, get on all fours (never had a problem doing that :D ) and search. Fuck it, too much work!
I was rather upset today. You see, yesterday I was trying to get ahold of Scott (a very dear friend of mine). He kept signing on, and I would say hi. But then, he'd sign off. So, I was a little pissed and went out shopping to make me feel better. I come home, sign on, and there he is. I say "hello", which is what I say when I'm mad or horribly depressed. Then he does a little smiley face, and I say ...*fuck I feel bad for this*... "oh wow, you're not being a dick - what a change!"
I was such a bitch to him! Of course I wasn't mad at the moment, but then I got to thinking... I sent him an angry email though :S oops.
He sent me one back, and it didn't feel good. I realized the error of my ways, and how much of a fucking bitch I was to him. I felt so bad.
It was all I could think about today, and it started bothering me. I got home, he wasn't on.. normally he would be waiting for me there. Turns out he had been online and speaking to sam, and told him that football (soccer) had tired him out.
But, being the sweet and caring guy that he is, Scott told Sam to look after me...
I was amazed at how someone could care so much for you, even when they're mad. I know someone who'd do that since he told me he would, but... I haven't known Scott for very long, and we've gotten so attached.
I just hope he can forgive me, I still wanna be his Wee Pee :(
....
Yeah yeah I know, lame nickname... but it's cute when he says it! |
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| Music: Placebo - Hare Krishna |
[Dec. 30th, 2003|12:14 pm] |
It's cold out, though I haven't set a foot out in days. I guess I should go get some fresh air, but there's nothing interesting out there. Nothing that fun in here, either. Oh well. It's funny, people never do what they should be doing. Hmmm. Neither am I. After all, here I am in my chair, sitting on my fat ass in front of a fucking computer screen. I should probably be doing sit-ups to melt off all of this excess lard I've accuculated, but fuck it, I'm lazy.
It's amazing how well you can know a person, yet never anticipate their actions. If I knew He had wanted that, I would have taken His mind off of it. Oh well, He's His own person and He can do as he pleases. Who am I to tell Him what to do? No one, that's who. Whatever, this dramatic shit does nothing for me.
Oh wait, yes it does. I love being dramatic, it's how I get attention. Either that or pretend to be stupid or clumsy. It always seems to work, and I've never had more friends. Fuck my intelligence and all that it can do, I'm happy.
Or am I? The boys I like are either gay or across the fucking ocean. Going out for a drive, or fucking Lisa. I've got this ring on my finger and it's starting to seem like more of a burden. But I love him so much! I've forgiven him for Lisa, but it still pops into mind. When he fucks me, it will have been used before. I don't go for sloppy seconds, sorry.
Oh well, I've always been a little whore, so I shouldn't rag on Him or others. But I don't, even when I want to.
One day all of this pent up anger will drive me insane. And on that day, I hope I'm not near a knife. |
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| Great |
[Dec. 25th, 2003|11:41 am] |
8:30... TOO FUCKING EARLY! My morning ain't off to a great start, i can tell ya that much! :P
Ah well, at least I had a nice christmas. My cats went crazy when we gave them the grass we had grown, so i'm sure they had a fun evening. I got lots of presents:
-1 black fishnet shirt
-1 pirate blouse, which I promised my mom I'd wear if i could wear it with my trusty eye-patch
-4 metallic nail polishes
-1 bleaching kit
-1 FLAMINGO PINK hair dye
- tons of stuff for baths that I'll never use (when the fuck uses bath salts, anyway??)
It's a pretty good haul, considering that I got my christmas gift - weights - a little early this year. Plus, you know, it was pretty expensive.
And I know, Christmas isn't really supposed to be about the gifts, but hey, it's not like Jesus was born on the 25th,don't believe what you hear. :P
All in all, I'm glad it's over. I wouldn't be able to stand another DAY of christmas music. Oh fuck, wait a minute. It's still christmas day...
NOOOOO!!! |
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